Reflections of a Student/Housewife

I thought it would make for an interesting project to narrate some of my Grandfather's writings.  I've transcribed a few pieces for various purposes, and was always struck by the connection I felt to him as I did, though he passed away before I was born.  The same can be said for speaking his words.  It was weird to speak my grandfather's words, and thoughts, out loud and measure the words by my own ruler.  I too enjoy some of his favorite nasty habits, and feel just as obliged to hide them, though the desire to kiss pretty girls abated after my first go at college...Though our areas of study are not the same, I found many of the misgivings he had about becoming a minister are the same issues I drag my feet over as a wife and mother.

It occurred to me that becoming a minister (at least in the 1930's, when 'Reflections of a Student Minister' was written) was the surest way for a man to subject himself to the same level of moral scrutiny that "honest" women face every day.  I don't even want to imagine what it was like for my grandmother, thought I know from later writings that his musings about this did present some challenges for the two of them in their marriage.  I have often felt, as he did that I don't want the "...life sucked like an empty orange of its sense of joy because of the presence of ... categorical imperative[s] which make duties of what might and should be spontaneous joys."  It really bothers me when a gesture of kindness is taken for granted, but how can it not if that's what one "should" do?  I came from a place where spoken gratitude sufficed in response to a gesture of kindness.  But I recall as I write this being shamed for not promptly writing a thank you note for some books on parenting I received from someone.  At the time, I'd been moving, and had just had Clark, but the indignation of the gift-giver reminded me that the time and place I had come to be in came with a different set of expectations, fair or not.

I do not want to "...shed [my] human personality in order to become an emblem..." for my family.  And sometimes, as he didn't want to be a minister, I don't want to be a housewife/mother.  I think the surest way to making good decisions about morality is to know, and accept yourself.  The more one is shamed, and feels shame, the harder it is to overcome the shortcomings that brought the condemnation in the first place.  I want to be an example of sincerity and authenticity for my son.  That means, if I feel like making homemade cookies for the bake sale, I'll do it; but if I don't, I reserve the right to bring a bag full of cookies from Subway.  It's comforting to know that I come from a line of people who resent intense scrutiny of their moral character, and it's one legacy I'm inclined to preserve.